


Fine.

by anattemptatwordbending



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Angst, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, aaanywayyyyyy, writing sokka is d i f f i c u l t
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-10
Updated: 2020-10-10
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:34:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26933680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anattemptatwordbending/pseuds/anattemptatwordbending
Summary: Sokka is struggling. But nobody can know (nobody needs to know)
Relationships: Aang & Sokka (Avatar), Katara & Sokka (Avatar), Sokka & The Gaang (Avatar), Sokka/Zuko (Avatar), Toph Beifong & Sokka, am i missing something im tired
Comments: 21
Kudos: 141





	Fine.

**Author's Note:**

> the long-awaited angsty sokka!!! for my wonderful new tumblr friend :D

Fire in the air, running, choking, crumpling to the ground--

Sokka woke up gasping, looking around for the flames. None, of course. Just the dark walls of his room.

He fell back onto his pillow, trying to catch his breath. No fire, no fighting. The war was over. So why couldn’t he stop thinking about it?

~~~

“You alright?” Zuko asked, jolting Sokka out of his daze. 

“Oh, yeah, just tired. I didn’t sleep very well,” Sokka said offhandedly, taking a sip of his tea. He hadn’t been able to fall back asleep the night before. It’d taken so long just to get his heart to slow down.

(Leaning over his bed in the dark, holding his head in his hands. Almost lighting a candle but his stomach twisting at the thought of fire.) 

Zuko put his arm around Sokka. “Fall asleep on me if you have to.”

Sokka smiled. “Maybe I will.”

They were just nightmares. But they felt so real, they made him-- 

They bothered him. That was all. He knew Zuko had nightmares, but it was different. Zuko had been through so much trauma. Sokka’s was nothing in comparison. 

They were just nightmares. He was fine. He could deal with this by himself.

But why did they affect him so badly? Why did they fill him with adrenaline, so he just sat in bed shaking while he waited for the sun to rise? Why did they always make him feel like he was back there, still fighting, even when it was all over?

No, he was just overreacting. They weren’t that bad.

“What’re you thinking about?” Zuko asked quietly.

“Oh, just... when we’re gonna go visit Omashu next. There’s a few books in their library I need.”

Zuko giggled. “You’re such a nerd.”

Sokka grinned, snuggling closer to Zuko and taking a sip of tea. “Sorry I care about knowledge.”

“It’s cute,” Zuko said, and then blushed. 

“You’re so gay for meeee,” Sokka poked him.

“Whatever,” Zuko was smiling.

Sokka laid his head on Zuko’s shoulder and closed his eyes contentedly. There was no way he was going to tell Zuko about the nightmares and give him more worry to deal with. Plus, they were nothing. He was fine.

~~~

 _Fire._ Sokka started to duck, but he stopped himself.

The man was just lighting a lamp, not attacking him. He tried to regain control of his breathing. Not an attack, not a fight. He put a trembling hand on his sword anyway. 

Dammit, he was shaking. He slowly made his way behind a tree on the side of the path, hoping noone was watching, and lowered himself to the ground.

This was stupid. He shouldn’t be this scared. He was fine.

_Get ahold of yourself, Sokka, you should be able to handle this._

He counted as he inhaled and exhaled, a technique he often used to help Zuko. But he shouldn’t need this technique. Why was he even having trouble breathing at all? He’d been through basically nothing, he had no good reason to be scared.

He gripped his elbows, willing himself to stop trembling. This overload in anxiety just because he’d seen fire was unnecessary. He was _fine._ He knew he was fine. But his heart was still racing like a company of rabbit-mice.

He sat behind the tree for another twenty minutes before he was able to get up and start to make his way back to his room.

“Sokka?” He whipped around.

“Oh. Hi, Katara.”

“You okay there? You seem a little… off.”

“I’m fine,” Sokka said sharply. “Shit, sorry. I’m fine. Just really tired.”

Katara looked skeptical. “...Okay,” she finally said. “Go get some sleep, though.”

“Yeah. Yeah, I’ll go do that right now.”

Sokka could feel Katara watching him as he walked away. He was fine. He probably just wasn’t getting enough sleep, that’s why this was happening. Yeah. That made sense.

He found his way to his room and collapsed into bed. He was fine. This was nothing.

His hands were still shaking a little. He couldn’t get himself to fall asleep.

~~~

“Sokka, could you describe what it was like when you were stuck in the Fire Nation prison?” the man asked, quill poised over the paper as he watched Sokka intently.

That’s-- Sokka looked at Aang, who was watching him too. Why had he agreed to do this?

“Um-- I--,” his heart was speeding up. No, he couldn’t freak out here, in front of people. “I’m feeling really sick all of the sudden,” he blurted out. He stood up. “Sorry, I think I need to go.”

He darted out of the room before anyone could say anything, finding his way into an alley nearby and leaning against the wall. _Breathe,_ Sokka. Aang joined him a moment later.

“Are you okay?” he asked worriedly.

“I’m fine,” Sokka said. “I think I ate something bad is all,” was that enough? Sokka paused before adding, “I feel kind of like I’m going to throw up.”

Aang’s brow creased. “Let’s get you home. I’m guessing you don’t want to walk there?”

“No, I’m fine. You should go back to the interview.”

“I’m not abandoning my sick friend!” Aang insisted indignantly. “I’ll call Appa, and we’ll both go home. I can reschedule the interview.” He blew his whistle, and a few minutes later Appa bounded into the alley.

It’s okay that he lied to Aang, right? He just didn’t want to worry him. But now Aang was changing his plans for him... the guilt gnawed on Sokka’s stomach.

Aang carefully helped him onto Appa. “Fly slow, okay, Appa? Sokka’s feeling sick. Yip yip!” 

When they got back, Aang escorted Sokka to his room.

“I’ll get you some water,” he said, leaving. 

Sokka put his hands around his knees, the shame crushing him. It was one thing to keep something from them, they didn’t need to know he was having trouble handling this stupid thing. But now he was _lying?_

He was fine. This was fine. He wouldn’t do it again. He was in control, he was fine, it wasn’t too bad. He shut his eyes tightly. He was fine.

~~~

Sokka pressed his palms into his forehead, trying to soothe his headache. 

“Okay, what’s up with you lately?” Toph asked, letting the dirt she was bending fall to the ground. 

“What do you mean? Nothing’s up.”

Toph frowned. “For one, you seem exhausted. And for two, why are you so obsessed with all this intensive sword training? I mean, I’m happy to help, but the war is over, it’s not important anymore.”

“It’s just in case,” Sokka said. “There’s nothing wrong with being prepared.” 

It was something to focus on. Something to think about apart from his nightmares that were getting more common, apart from the way his heart would speed up whenever he saw fire, apart from how detached he was starting to feel from everything (from everyone.)

It was stupid. He thought about what Zuko had been through, what Aang had been through, and he’d experienced _nothing._ He was pitiful for not being able to handle it.

It was embarrassing, that it made him feel better just knowing that if anyone did attack, he could fight. But it helped, and at this point few things did.

“I mean I guess? But you don’t really need to be prepared,” Toph said.

“Yeah, but I might as well.” Sokka was good at pretending by now. 

“...Alright,” Toph finally said. “Watch out!” She launched a ball of dirt at him and he deflected it quickly with his sword.

He was fine. He continued to battle with Toph, but it wasn’t enough to distract himself.

He was fine. He whispered it under his breath while he shattered a rock with the edge of his sword.

_He was fine._

Even he didn’t really believe it anymore.

~~~

There wasn’t much conversation this week over Sokka and Zuko’s morning tea. Sokka couldn’t bring himself to talk. He didn’t have anything to say.

He could feel Zuko watching him, but he tried to ignore it, drinking his scalding hot tea too fast instead and burning his tongue. 

After ten minutes of Sokka’s anxiety building, Zuko spoke.

“Sokka, are you... are you okay?” Zuko asked softly.

“Spirits, can everyone stop asking me that?” Sokka snapped. “I’m fine, okay?”

Zuko fell silent, his face white. He was tense.

 _“Fuck,”_ Sokka whispered. “Zuko, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to--,” he reached for Zuko’s hand, but Zuko flinched back from him.

Sokka pulled away. He’d hurt him. He’d hurt Zuko. He’d hurt him.

Zuko was still shaking, his eyes wide, staring at Sokka like he was trying to watch where he’d move next.

Sokka stumbled up from the couch, blindly grabbing for the door. As soon as he got outside, he ran. He didn’t care where he was going. He didn’t even look. He just ran.

He’d hurt _Zuko._ He wasn’t the same person anymore. 

He wasn’t fine. He-- he was a monster.

He tripped over himself and fell to the ground. He didn’t have the strength to get up. He had no reason to anyway. He curled in on himself. 

He wasn’t fine. He was so far from fine.

He closed his eyes.

~~~

Sokka vaguely remembered someone picking him up. Being carried somewhere, panicked voices.

“Sokka,” Katara said urgently. “Talk to me.” There were tears in her voice.

He opened his eyes. He was in bed, surrounded by his family. And Zuko. Zuko. He sat up.

“I’m so sorry,” he said, his voice breaking. “Zuko, I’m so sorry, it wasn’t-- I don’t-- I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Zuko said softly, putting his hand on Sokka’s arm. “I’m okay, it’s okay.”

Sokka shook his head. “No, it’s not. You were trying to take care of me and I hurt you and I’m so sorry.” He looked around. “I don’t deserve this, I don’t deserve you guys. I don’t deserve your help. You should go.” He put his arms over his head. “You should go.”

“No, you should tell us what the hell has been going on with you lately,” Katara said, her brow creased. “You’re keeping something from us.”

“It’s nothing,” Sokka said reflexively.

“That’s a lie. We’re your _family,_ Sokka, you can tell us.”

“Nothing’s going on,” Sokka insisted. He couldn’t tell them. It was too embarrassing, they couldn’t know he was so weak, that he couldn’t even handle this tiny thing. No, no, no.

“I know you’re lying,” Toph said.

“I’m fine. I’m just-- I’m tired.” The excuse had worked before, but none of them seemed ready to accept it that easily this time.

“Can you guys leave me alone with him?” Zuko asked quietly, looking at the rest of them.

Katara looked at him for a moment before nodding, leading Toph and Aang out of the room. She glanced at Sokka for a moment as if to say, _don’t scare him again._

Sokka’s stomach twisted. Who did she think he was?

~~~

“I’m sorry,” Sokka said desperately as soon as Katara closed the door. “Zuko, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to, I--”

“Sokka. It’s okay,” Zuko said softly, sitting on the edge of the bed next to him. “It’s not like you-- you know, _hurt_ me. I’m okay now. I’m not mad.”

Sokka searched his face. He _looked_ genuine.

“I-- I know you don’t want me to ask you,” Zuko started slowly. “But please tell me what’s wrong? At first I thought you were falling out of love with me, but everyone else says you’ve been the same way with them. I want to be able to help.”

“I-- Zuko, of _course_ I’m still in love with you,” Sokka said, his eyes wide.

He hadn’t been pretending as well as he thought he had.

“Okay, then what is it? I-- you trust me, right? 

Sokka put his head in his hands. “I trust you,” he whispered, tears rising in his eyes. He felt Zuko’s arm wrap around him.

Sokka looked at Zuko. He couldn’t keep this to himself any longer. 

“I’m not fine,” he said quietly, looking into his lap.

Zuko squeezed his shoulder. “I figured that much.”

“I-- I keep getting nightmares. About the war. And sometimes even when I’m awake I panic. And even though I know I’m fine I get scared,” he looked up at Zuko. “I know it’s nothing compared to what you have to deal with. It’s stupid, I’ve barely even gone through anything bad, I don’t know why I can’t handle it. I’m sorry, it’s stupid.”

“Hey,” Zuko said, frowning. “It’s not stupid. I-- have you been keeping this to yourself this whole time?”

“I didn’t wanna bother you guys with my tiny problems,” Sokka said quietly.

“You’re suffering, it’s not a tiny problem-- _Sokka,_ don’t keep this stuff from me. I could have-- I could have been there-- you’ve been all alone,” his voice dropped, and he closed his eyes. “ It’s okay. I’m glad you told me. I’m here now.”

Sokka leaned closer to Zuko. He wasn’t annoyed? He thought it was real, that it counted? 

Tears fell from his eyes, but his heart, for once, was calm.

~~~

Sokka swallowed. Zuko rubbed his shoulder reassuringly.

“Uh, I--,” Everyone was staring at him. His cheeks prickled. He didn’t know how to explain this, he couldn’t explain this. 

What if they didn’t agree with Zuko? What if they thought he was weak? Stupid? Lying for attention?

“Okay, uh…” he could do this. He had to do this. He would-- he had to do it for them. And he had to do it for himself.

“I just… so I get nightmares. A lot. Um, yeah. And sometimes I get really scared kind of? I don’t know,” he looked to Zuko frantically, twisting his hands together.

“It’s okay,” Zuko said softly. “You’re doing a good job.” 

He looked back at his family, trying to take a deep breath. “Uh, yeah. So lately I’ve been remembering the war sometimes. And I know I haven’t been through that much or anything, and it’s not nearly as bad as Zuko or Aang, I dunno, I just…” he trailed off, looking down. Too much. Too much to try to explain, to try to justify.

“You’ve been through a lot, Sokka,” Katara said, and he could feel her sit down beside him and put her hand on his arm. “It’s okay that you’re not okay.”

It is?

“Come on, Snoozles,” Toph said. “What, did ya’ think we’d be mad?”

Sokka looked at Aang. He looked sad. “I’m sorry you have to deal with it too,” he said after a second.

So they weren’t mad? So they cared?

“We’re here for you, okay?” Katara said. Zuko rubbed his back.

“Oh,” Sokka said quietly. “Okay.”

He looked around at his family, who were there, who knew (who understood.) Maybe, just maybe, Sokka _would_ be fine.

**Author's Note:**

> ayyy not super confident in this one but i feel like posting so. i might give this another chapter (?) but im not sure yet school is hell


End file.
